*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
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Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
“our sushi is very fresh”
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh