[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
You Might Also Like
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Worth remembering.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.