[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
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I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.