[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
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No selfies while hijacking a train.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.