[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
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[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
we’re dead?
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.