*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
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Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
mariah carrie
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.