*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
when you don’t want to be too vague
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO