*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
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Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
These 3D printers are insane!
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.