*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
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Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Squeak, squeak, squeak!