*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
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Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence