*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
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My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.