@SortaBad

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

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@TimBarnes451

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

@daddygofish

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

@TheNardvark

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

@LetGoBeFreeDoU

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

@BarelyBeans

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

@joe_binkley

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

@Old_Pat_Bren

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

@Scorpio1080

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

@SirEviscerate

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

@daemonic3

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog