*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

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No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.


*Throws Pizza party
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.


The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.


“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”


The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.


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Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?


THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]


ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog