So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
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Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
*Throws Pizza party
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog