*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
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You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)