[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
You Might Also Like
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner