*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
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[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
We decided to have money instead of children.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Always the camel, never the toe.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I would move hell over six inches for you
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.