@mandysparklerxo

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

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@shnaydi

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

@hansabumsadaisy

“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”

#MothersDay

@BruceForce

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

@AndyAsAdjective

JUMP

ING

UP

AND

DOWN

ON

THE

TRAMP

O

LINE

OUT

SIDE

YOUR

WIN

DOW

IS

NOT

HOW

I

WANT

ED

TO

BREAK

UP

WITH

YOU

KAR

EN

@What_Idiot_

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

@sixfootcandy

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

@BlondAmbitionTO

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

@alrightbob

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

@PajamaBen_

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you