*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
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A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW