lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
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“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you