*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

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Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.


Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.


I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket


I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”


Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.


Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.


The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?


COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao


Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.


*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.