Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
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Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.