*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
You Might Also Like
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.