*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
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I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
All. The. Damn. Time.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”