*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
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ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
just witnessed a drug deal
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.