“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

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Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.


Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?


To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms


[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?


“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”


Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.


I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.