“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
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Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.