looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
What about second breakfast?
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?