looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes