Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
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Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
mariah carrie
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her