looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
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What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.