Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
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Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
opening twitter today
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.