*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
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banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what