*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
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Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.