[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
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It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Ion see the issue
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too