*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
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With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
That’s a good costume, I hope.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Me trying to walk in a dream
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.