*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
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I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
This raises questions
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.