“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
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My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!