Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
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“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*