Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
You Might Also Like
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!