Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials
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Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Hmmmmmmm….
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt