[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.