*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
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Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”