losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
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Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Print is alive and well!!!
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.