Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
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My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it