Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
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me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it