“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
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I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Des Moines Police having a normal one
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”