losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
You Might Also Like
I love snow
– People who never shovel
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
There are no pants in heaven.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!