LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
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The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.