lost dog
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hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
We avoided this particular disaster
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz