*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

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Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.


[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”


it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume


As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.


Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.


Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.


[to baby crying for 45 mins]


“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.