*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
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You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
yes yes a thousand times yes!
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about