@kookiedelukey Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
@subtweetopath *lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
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@kookiedelukey 
@onion_an [coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
@Cryptoterra it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
@FunnyBison As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
@mejustbeth Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
@The_MartiniGirl Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
@bourgeoisalien Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
@Pork_Chop_Hair Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
@david8hughes [to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
@thepatrickwalsh “Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.