Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
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me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Favourite diary entry ever
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”