Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
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Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Friday night party time 🥳
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.