*lost my marbles*
Weighs myself
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Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
