Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
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Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I think they could have phrased this better
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.