Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
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5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
whatcha thinkin bout
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn