Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
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[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY