@benedictsred

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

You Might Also Like

@lindseyywolf

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

@MindyFurano

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

@OakHill_

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

@Try2StopME

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

@AngryRaccoon2

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

@joeldanger

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

@HenpeckedHal

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.