Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”
I’m not mad ur mad
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
You Might Also Like
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– oh honey
– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.