Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

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Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad


Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.


– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton



Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.


Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.


Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.


When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?


I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.